Hi, my name is Daniel and throughout my life I have had a few different mental health diagnoses, but currently I it’s Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder – EUPD).
People with BPD may experience the following symptoms:
- Being so intensely worried about abandonment that you do anything to avoid it
- Extremely intense emotions that can change very, very quickly
- Not having a strong sense of who you are
- Finding it difficult to make and maintain stable relationships often due to the influence of the other symptoms
- Impulsive action without regard for safety or practicalities
- Suicidal or self-harming behaviour
- Feeling empty and lonely a lot of the time
- Issues with controlling intense anger
- When stressed, you may feel paranoid, have psychotic experiences (seeing or hearing things that others can’t, and dissociation.
What this means to me in all honesty is nothing, just a name, a badge, a label but how does it impact on my life is a whole different ball game.
It’s a lifetime war, and daily battle with myself.
My mind can run from one idea to the next. One moment I’m full of life, I have the energy to rule the world and run a marathon, yet an hour or so later I can feel so empty and drained that I can’t move.
I can go from feeling so enthusiastic about a project that I’m researching is for hours on end, to all of a sudden not being interested and dropping it all together.
As an example, I went on a six week course to learn how to use machinery. I spent money on cloth, a new machine and made a skirt, some toys, bed clothes… but then I couldn’t see a way to make something else, and as a result lost all interest.
I become obsessed with different things throughout my life. They will consume my whole time, yet all of a sudden and sometimes for no reason at all, that passion disappears.
As a result I often chop and change plans, waste money and time on things I never see through, and these emotions spill over into how I feel in my relations with other people.
Many people with BPD find it hard to manage relationships and have no idea who they are as a person. Their interests can change at the drop of a hat, and you can go from feeling pure love to pure hate momentarily.
They know it isn’t right to feel that way about someone. They know at some point deep down it’s because emotions are so heightened that the smallest of things can change their whole view of someone, yet in that moment it’s so overwhelming that they simply cannot see anything else.
This constant battle with feeling intense emotions, to feeling numb, to having to much passion and joy for something, and then you feel nothing. That’s what often contributes to the lack of self identity that many people wit BPD suffer with.
How they feel/think, what they enjoy, who they love/hate can all change in an instant for sometimes no reason. Yet they’re so consumed within it, it’s hard to think straight.
The constant war with yourself, against how you feel, think, or see things can simply get too much, and I get so tired that I cannot carry on fighting.
For me, this is when I fall into the low depths. I can’t be bothered to wash, eat, or move, and will just sleep or even worse.
I have ended up in hospital many times, and it’s a hourly battle against urges and your own mind which is one I currently face.
Despite the turbulence it adds to my life, I have a great support team around me that helps me.
It’s when I’m low and in that dark hole that I see how important the connections around me really are. Those connections with people are vital.
They carry my hope and dreams for me when I cannot hold onto them myself.
My next hope, is going to consist of making a duck run to take care of some of my own ducks, and also to eat a bit more healthily and consistently.
Even though they may seem like small steps to everyone else, for now, that’s enough.