I’ve found myself in your office like many I’ve been in before. You sit before me asking questions I don’t know the answers to.
The same questions I’ve been asked before, and despite my impatience and lack of answers, please know I’m grateful. Grateful that you want to know my issues from my point of view, to get a full picture, rather than assuming you know best from the opinions of others in notes you’ve read about me. Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to read them.
But before you, I was told to google it to learn about this ‘illness’ I’m living with, not that I like accepting I’m ‘ill’. Before you there were many doctors who never really listened or understood. So, please be patient as I learn to open up to yet another doctor in the hope that this time, it won’t fall on deaf ears.
I’ve been given a diagnosis, a label to ‘help you understand me and my needs’, but I’m far more than that.
You can’t learn about me in textbooks, or study who I am online. I’m here in front of you, not because I want to be, but because I need to be. Your qualifications imply you’ll know how to help me get back to living.
You want me to open my heart and soul to you, and spill my darkest secrets. You want to know every corner of my mind and what makes me, me, yet I know nothing about you. I don’t know how to trust you yet, so please be patient as I learn to.
Please understand that I don’t mean to test your patience with my reactions or lack of answers, it’s just that I’ve been through these exact questions 100 times, and I still don’t know the answers. Even when I do, I can never get them to come out the way I wish them to. It’s frustrating for me too.
I’ve lost any sense of who I am to my label, and there wasn’t much clarity on that to begin with. I’m drowning in your medical terms and acronyms for things I don’t understand.
Yes, I’ve had struggles like everyone else, and I’m struggling now, but I’ve exhausted every other possible avenue I could before sitting in front of you now. I don’t want to waste your time. I’m ready to give 100% to this ‘recovery’ and ‘care plan’ that you’ll be putting in place and helping me with.
At least this time I’m being included in those decisions. I could never be more grateful for that.
I’ve been existing for far too long without being able to fully live my life. Yes, my behaviours and mind sets and far too different from what’s considered normal, and my emotions are all over the place, and despite what the voices say on my darkest days, engrained in me is the want to fight for my life.
And yes I contradict myself because sometimes I don’t want to be here, but I can’t yet control the extremes my mind lives within.
Please, I beg you to take the time to get to know me. The me behind my diagnosis. You know the psychology better than me, but I know myself pretty well too (most of the time), so please, please can we work together? I promise as soon as I can I will live my life, successfully, independently, and healthily. I know that’s what you want for me too.
And the last thing I want to say is thank you. You won’t always get it right, and it might take time, but thank you for caring enough and being so inquisitive about the human brain that you took the time to study for years to get to where you are. Thank you for taking the time to try not only understand me, but help me.